Tag Archives: Life

Living the questions

There is a famous passage by the poet Rainier Maria Rilke:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

I am striving to live this way right now. And it is a struggle for this analytical problem solver. Although my unresolved problems are logistical, not emotional, the words above still strike a chord for me,and give me permission to not have everything 100% figured out.

Grandma’s fall yesterday has thrown a spanner (wrench) in the works that we had worked hard to figure out. Everything now is up in the air. It feels like the  where?, when? and how? of the future are all uncertain…And there is no way to figure them out right now. The future has to unfold for itself.

All I can do is to try and prepare for several foreseeable outcomes so I can try to smooth out the rough patches as best I can. Rough patches do seem inevitable.

Things were going so well…

Then Grandma fell.

ksm20161118-chen_shourong-02Yesterday we went shopping together and got everything on our list to make the big turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. We felt like we had mastered the shopping challenge. In those bags were a 20 lb turkey, 10 lb of potatoes and many other items.

This morning I was “Walking with Leslie” when my husband came down to say that we had gotten a call from the manager where Grandma lives and that she had fallen and the EMTs were there. I threw on my sweat pants, grabbed my keys and we were off.

We arrived as they were stuffing her into an ambulance. She was lucid, cheerful even but could not move one of her legs. So we grabbed the pups and went off to the hospital. The EMT said we would get there before them, and we may have but I couldn’t figure out where to park in the large complex hospital complex so we actually got into the hospital a bit later than she did.

All that rushing was followed by waiting. She has a broken hip. She may have surgery tomorrow. The pups are curled up on the floor by the fire. The cat is miffed because the pups are here.

The waiting continues. Too much is unknown to make any plans…even about tomorrow.

I’m ready to move on

If “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” then I am stronger. than I was a year ago.

About a year ago I was sitting in a hospital trauma unit, hypnotically watching a machine monitor my uncle’s lack of brain activity. It was not a peak life experience. Nor was much of anything else in the past twelve months.

This year has had deaths of family and friends, moving my Grandmother and, with that, having to face how fragile she has become and trying to deal with the bureaucracy that controls getting help for her. We had work done on the house, which is still not done and a bit of a disaster zone. There have also been crises in another quarter that I don’t feel up to discussing right now. I can only deal with one extremely frustrating thing at a time and today’s battle is legalism over benefits.

But more than all those I have not felt happy this year. Many years I could have coped better with the on-going sh…tuff of life, I had more emotional resilience. This year things overwhelmed me.

I have been feeling better lately. So I’m going to take a pass on repeating anything from this past year. I am ready to move on.

Today is gloomy and chilly but the Empress and I are enjoying the magic box (gas fireplace). I find sitting by it reading Tove Jansson’s Moominpappa at Sea  more cheery than sunshiny days last summer.  The empress is so close to the fire that she seems to have melted one of her whiskers (do whiskers melt? anyway it has become a curlicue at the end from being so close to the heat).

This post is a response to the DailyPost Prompt: One More Time.